not everybody is ready for a change everyday; and with broken people, thye cannot do the positive and calm thing everyday.that’s the thing about broken people. they are already consumed by the war between self hate and self love rationality. i don’t even care about making through it anymore, i only want to bruise anyone that bruises me, just that equally. i’m ready to put the calm on fire for months (honestly) because i’ve had enough of burning in it myself. like every film i have ever watched, i learnt it is a fight that earns you respect, not the calm and positivity. it has been months!
i’ve been forced by my own brain to succum to my anxiety so deep that i could not stand up for anything but anxiety. because i’m too scared-
i get scared of men now because my father ppunched me in the face how a man does to a man,
i’m scared of rich people because i’ve never seen comfort and luxury,
i’m scared of money because i’ll forget myself trying to forget what’s hurting me,
i’m scared of growing in life because i cannot afford the disgrace of failure anymore,
i’m scared i’ll live a little longer than expected because i know i cannot survive here without depression,
i’m scared because i’m tired
i’m just suddenly, out of nowhere, just tired
and everybody has taken advantage of that
i ran away from her in the middle of the night because i remembered the last time i felt that abuse-in-the-name-of-care on my cheek
it is imposed abuse, personally first but now publicly
and im tired of fighting and ignoring but i’d rather fight till i can take nothing less than death
i don’t care that most days it isn’t about one night, broken people live each different hurt every different day and i hate to admit how terrifying life can be to a person like that. this is a broken heart telling you what it feels like on some days to just breathe.
because i’m not going to run away anymore, i stood my ground to a bitch today and you know what, i felt downright the greatest good. something i hadn’t felt in months or even a year and few months last July 2016 that i remember.
and those few very accidentally encourage me, saying, “don’t lose what you have within you dinki, for peope who’ll never have anybody like you. this is the person i remembered from ages ago, a rare sight , people like you.”