So tired.

I just want to be withheld by something or someone. I just want to be free of these burdens that I’m meant to carry because I’m born a certain way. I just need someone to let me be disfigured and unknown to my future.

I’m tired of listening to things I’m supposed to be doing, I don’t want to struggle in the one thing I’m alive in, that is my life. Soulfully. When it feels happy or even a little exciting, I don’t want to feel like I’m gonna come back to something I cannot fix.

Please. Make it peaceful. I cannot be peaceful already, I’m 22 years old and suffocating; your world makes me want to hope for something longer and I cannot survive this alone, there’s nothing walking with me in this, I’m alone in this long-lonely journey and you make me feel burdened by things I’m not competitive about.

I could kill myself and I could always write  about this when I’m high because sober, I’m taught to be happy, even if I don’t feel like it; because depression could you survive underneath all the happy creases and no one would know, because depression survives in every victim it catches hold of.

I won’t label anything or anyone yet, but I, a merely happy-looking person, wants to just leave. I just want to leave. I don’t need your byes and wishes. I just want to leave, without that formal greeting. I want to leave with the insignificance your God offers me. I want to just leave as a nameless light of sound.

 

Song of the day- Only for you by Heartless Bastards.

What you SHOULD be doing.

I feel the need to write about this because for all the short while that I have lived on this planet, I’ve noticed things growing and subsiding from time to time, including both the good and the bad. What I cannot come to terms with in the generality of the monologue that is to come live here, is how people let things as important as mental peace and self respect go for a chaotic spin and get away by saying, “f*** it!”.

Patriarchy took its course a long time ago and it sustains itself rigorously today feeding off of a lot of things, including women accepting inferiority from men who delusionally believe themselves any better. Think of any kind of crime, think of any crime that has ever been committed, all go back to one common devil-zone, all go back to the idea of power- one above all others. That is what we define as patriarchy and it is the most gender-neutral thing (less known in this manner), all things under patriarchy that believe in equality become victims of it.

I see many billboards, magazines and media (social and political) all emphasising on women’s empowerment, involvement and sentimental-divine motherhood nature of women that need to be respected; but I also see women looking away when a man suggestively scratches his nuts watching her walk by, I also notice how women smoking look busily over to anywhere away from the men looking at her like she’s standing naked, I also see women telling other women that it’ll all pass and that “men will be men”, I cannot fathom how much I pity women that continue to be submissive to their inhumane husbands; switch the above genders in the same situations and patriarchy is still the same. Patriarchy ruins man and woman, both; anything fragile, humble, decent, beautiful, kind, gentle, in fact anything feminine is victim to patriarchy.

This patriarchy is a social construction and phases of history constantly change, so patriarchy too will pass us through in good time, but it is, however, quite alive this very moment and I don’t know if we do enough to not let it affect us.

I want women and men to know their human and citizenship rights so well that they could have enough faith and confidence in themselves to rise above power tensions. I want women to stop complaining about the things that are wrong and finally take a fully charged action against it. I want to compel radical feminists to include men too as victims of patriarchy. I want to not just disregard but abolish inequality in each little aspect of life and the senseless gender roles that go with it.

We don’t have to feel this suffocated , we don’t need to accept anything disrespectful. I urge people to stand against elements like patriarchy and understand feminism for what it is- equality, I urge people who feel helpless to come together and courageously develop a stance. Your government and its policies and the constitution it follows is of no help and use to you if you remain victimised by it all and remain silent. You have a right, you have rights to live a dignified life, your country gives it to you against all biases, use them!

To all the women that use their womanhood to embarrass decent men and threaten them, don’t expect equality only when you need the women’s reserved bus seat empty; to all the men that are so proud to be ‘mard‘, that they do others a favour by just existing, try being the mard by helping your wife or mother or sister since you can ‘take on the world better’ and I dare you to dare your mard-ness to something feminine.

This is to the taxi driver that said he didn’t argue out of embarrassment with the woman who tricked him with money because she screamed and grabbed attention from others, this is for the girl that asked an old man to vacate the ladies seat cause her 20-something limbs were simply tired, this is for the woman at the bar that got herself drunk so she could find the courage to tell her best friend how she was raped by her uncle, this is for the man living in front of my window that gets beaten up by his wife, this is for the women that take it all in so their children never know their ill-fated apathy, this is to my anxious-scared self when asking that man “What are you looking at?!”, this is for the policeman that ‘morally corrected’ me for wearing ripped jeans, this is for everyone who is ashamed of being anything feminine because it is considered to be unworthy. Don’t quite down, don’t turn your face away, don’t be afraid, have courage to speak what itches your calm-self, just begin to breathe with pride and demand for that fair chance.

This is my own clear, utterly honest, with all feminine-pride, a standing against anything that protects patriarchy and denies equality; and you should be doing this too. Practice feminism, it uplifts everyone.

 

The Window.

We’re constantly waiting for a beautiful change to come our way, “Somehow one day, it will all be worth it.”;

and so we are constantly telling ourselves lies of the better tomorrow,

of the moments worth living for, of the future that rewards our scarring past.

out of the moments I’ve already miserably survived, out of the moments that I’ll cherish this misery in a most dreaded future, I can tell I will cherish this moment right now,

 

for this window of stillness and mixes of heaven and hell, this window that sends this moment with me, knows that today is what is here and now, the air in my lungs, the senses of touching and feeling, the eyes that witness wonders and the world that let’s me exist;

they make me feel alive and young; today. I realise, this will be a constant fight against melancholy and a constant urgency to endure most, but damn, thank God for such a lovely today.

 

Lousy Revelations.

Lately, life has been so fierce and exciting that I forget how change could be a good thing; I’ve been crying, laughing, excited and exiting, rotten and fresh, all in the shortest breaks and intervals. This is because there’s good and bad in life (duh), but both with such solid intensities that I do not miss Disneyland rides anymore. (stupid joke, I know)

We all have these periods in life where we have to make decisions that will lead us to our near future existence; this alone is so overwhelming for a person like me with depression and now anxiety, I’d rather just fool myself into another two-hour movie or additional fifteen videos of Zoella and ThacherJoe than plan my life out. It’s a burden for us all to carry because a little piece of paper, money, was and is given more importance than your little moments of sanity.

So, I sit with my laptop for three-forth of my day procrastinating and distracting myself from the reality I will eventually have to face because well, my future will be decided by my present and therefore, it better be good and also because suicide isn’t the answer (and it is also most unfortunate).

Three weeks (excluding the lazy one year of sloppy college life) of utterly forceful oblivious procrastination, a few ideas popped into my distracted head and I started seeing possibilities I wouldn’t dare consider in a busy schedule; some of these ideas are almost impossible with my current surprising anxiety (never experienced this kind before, so it’s all new) and some ideas will take multiple meetings with my scared-self to sink in. However, I’ve dreamed it all by myself and I have finally dared, this is what makes me happy. It isn’t necessary to put plans in action as soon as you have an idea, what matters is the dare-to-dream attitude one can keep when things seem upside-down. I cannot believe how I’ve dared to dream things that my younger self wouldn’t.

dd

Maybe it is all due to the courage to look for encouragement when the pessimist mind cannot think happy things, maybe it’s by being healthier and controlling your intoxication at all levels, maybe it’s the beauty that you finally learn to appreciate in the simple things, maybe it’s just family and friends or maybe it’s just a lousy, passing thought; it still however, narrows down to a different perspective, maybe that’s all we need.

I’ve had to change my perspectives a multiple times before I gathered my hypothesis around the true self and filtered them all to suit my core personality, this not only brought about more perspectives but also helped me calm and simplify things that truly mattered from things that really didn’t, this not only made me more Me but also encouraged humour and excitement in my monotony; I’m grateful for the oblivious mess that I can be (most of the time), it’s beautiful to own what I already do, it’s comforting to have clarity, it’s all just those perfect little mistakes.

 

Song Of The Day: The Real Slim Shady by Eminem.

*

i swear i still couldn’t break her face.
there’s something about people that i’ve loved at least once.
i can’t break them equally as they break me.
i can’t even bruise them equally as they bruise me. 
so ultimately people like me remain damaged;
and we’re never less damaged,
we only form more resistance,
we are only more damaged,
and we only kill if it kills us.  

Self Worth.

what happens when you are angry? what happens when you make someone feel so small that they wouldn’t want to live anymore? what if these people you ‘hate’ so much can’t die anyway but can’t live either? these people you hate and throw yourself on are people. they are people like yourself with difficult lives and  remain angry and hated upon. they are as broken and torn, as low and cold and as alone and little as you are. they are equally significant too.

i cannot and will not be able to fathom why you act like you do. you people who hate so deeply, i don’t know what it is you want and how you live doing what you do because these things break people, your attitude towards their little things within their little insignificant existence, it breaks them. it breaks them how it broke you when you were last at your lowest. how do you get yourself to be to someone what broke you to see and experience? i don’t understand you, you miserable but confident, rough but significant, stupid but commendable, survivor but dead of a soul.

imagine our self worth then. imagine the dept of our scars and pain. imagine the battles we fight together and see how difficult you make things. cruel, miserable little, you; your prayers are failing as days pass and the significance of you breathing is lesser recognised but you want to stand over the weaker of your kind because “God is omnipresent” and you think He won’t mind because what He put you through was worse, so, you tell yourself stories as ridiculous and pity yourself limitless  burying others around you alive; because your self worth’s more significant? no. it is because you selfish little thing can’t believe you could ever deserve lesser than what you’ve already received and you will be glorifying that for the rest of the time you’re going to be living.

i mind that, it has made me crazier ever since i learnt to comprehend you and myself; and i’m suffocating in this superficial reality you’ve built for me. i’m suffocating because i’m forced to break and deviate and slash and burn everything in my little ways and it only hurts more. it hurts because i know every second of my time doing what you expect me to do is not me but i can’t be myself because you will bulldoze me till i’m not breakable anymore. you’ll nod and crease your face and deny but you know who you are and all reasons why you could be a better person but you weren’t and aren’t.

so, why aren’t you? don’t you know it hurts? can’t you understand the same things you try to tell that significant other in your life? can’t you just excuse what’s happened and not further the cycle of your miserable dilemmas? i wish you could because people like me would not fight to smile everyday, people like me who love the sky, the waves, the birds and plants and huge trees that sway, the candles and floating lights and the wind with its perspective fragrance, the twilight and the dawn and dogs with wonder for world and all other things; i fight myself to look for beauty and reasons to live and for simple goals like these you make me pay my peace as price. i cannot let you have more of my peace because losing it will drive me to become you, you hated and hateful little; and i only want to love these precious gifts of my universe, the wonders of my beautiful Earth, i only wish to sit by a tree and talk about my greatest experiences with love, it only takes me a while to simmer myself in this nostalgia of my innate being and you are waking me up so quickly.

it is beautiful what i see and you should see too, stop the fuss and faff of rubbish and embrace what you look through. the crows at dawn make me smile even around the sound of horns in distance, the chill in winter nights that clench bones and generate the slow but sweet warmth, the sip of water that fills your brain with freshness and light, the push-ups that reach your goals, the smell of flowers and food and the compassion in a stranger’s smile and the warmth of your passionate self; respect your self worth, it is what drives us all, it sounds so generic , oh, but how we’ve forgotten it all. such self worth.

PS: Red Wine by UB40 is my only savior tonight.

Love.

 

 

LANA DEL REY.

There is so much about music that one fails to explain. So many aspects about music keep us sane in our hidden closets and unknowingly exposes us to the people we could hardly guess we were; this person that you discover behind your deep sunken thoughts is the person you’ll love and cherish the most, this person that has no secrets from you, this person who makes you you.. Your person, Your soul, Your true self. Can you believe it? Out of the very many things on this planet that has ever been created, in a population rounded-up to six billions; music lives, thrives and contains every single individual. Neither religion biases nor gender/sexuality differences. In everybody’s minds and heart, chasing our secrets, music is one secret society of it’s own, of sorts. 

Among all the genres and kinds of music, the one that immensely emulates and rejuvenates me is Jazz&Blues. Out of the countless, artists that take me from trip to trip in my zoned-out retrospection, Lana Del Rey is an artist, look-a-like of the 60’s hippy youngsters. Music of an era that was thought to be lost back in time until Lana Del’s absolutely mesmerizing voice, breathtaking style and precious originality came to such sudden fame. Songwriter by choice and music videos and lyrics pertaining to her own personal struggles is what enhances it’s value to her and so to all her fans. Up until her first album Born To Die was a spectacular seller, of which Video Games was one most responded to. Other songs that hit every youngster’s phone playlist was Ride, Dark Paradise, Young and Beautiful, Blue Jeans, etc, a few from the rest of her many singles. Apart from Lana Del’s music, the dark-depressive yet hopeful side of her alter-egos are also most fascinating to watch. For a most commonly picked on example, in music videos like Ride, Blue jeans and Tropico she plays a hooker/ prostitute and it is focused on how someone very angel-like, father’s daughter-like, beautiful-like girl becoming everyone’s  last meal of the day, selling what’s still most dear to her- her respect and credibility. This touches many hearts. Metal-heads like this or not, this brokenness of many women in the world can melt any heart; and it does because of the quality of an artist Lana Del really is. It’s about how women are really seen in the eyes of the common world no matter how many women have been to the moon and back, this is the reality and this is portrayed through Lana most honestly. There are other songs like Young and Beautiful and Blue jeans where she asks of her man to be faithful and loving to her, in most parts where she isn’t sure of it herself.

Lana Del Rey idolizes artists like Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra, Nancy Sinatra, Nirvana, Amy Winehouse, Eminem and mostly, Jim Morrison. 

She believes in living life like Morrison and mentions the same in one of her songs and interviews. This being about her past of early alcoholism and disturbed child-life, the connecting points of Morrison’s songs and her life inspired her inclination to the music industry.  in one her interviews on being a part of the music industry she says, “Music was a part of me also because i had no friends and i was always hoping to find my people and fall in love and start a community, the way they did it in the 60’s” and thus she continued her relationship with her music.

Lana Del’s music caters to the young society and inspires teens of all and any nationality to fight the bad and to be hopeful of better things in life and to move ahead, some of her songs are wide-stretched and clarify each sorrowful moment and this propagates a stillness even in a mournful situation. a pause for when things seem to pour out of proportion.

This is the kind of impact many artists have on the society knowing and unknowingly and this is what makes them as important as your national government. They influence you, if not you then the others around you. Thus, there’s a responsibility that they feel towards these sections of society who are inspired and do anything and everything that their favorite artists do. 

Lana Del Rey, a simple New Yorker, away from all the worldly influences seeps deep within herself to find her own methods and interpretations which invariably gives birth to an original artist such as herself. No matter how sorrowful or how happy, how disturbed or how drowned her lyrics may be, she has managed to put forth a sex-appeal that is almost astounding. With artists such as herself and many others mentioned on this page, are the ones that create this separate, dreamy but not impossible kind of a society where love is always a possibility, where drowning too is still surviving and still be alive, where it’s possible for truth to exist and where to expose one’s faults and accept them all isn’t exceptional but only human. people like these are blended in our society and there is a high possibility that they are people we have met at least once in life, these are the people that have made a difference in this monochromatic and monotonous society, these people are the ones changing this world without you and me even realizing it and these are the ones that let the goodness of real humanity survive. 

“… every night i used to pray that i’d find my people and finally i did on the open road. we had nothing to lose, nothing to gain,nothing we desired anymore, except to make our lives a work of art. live fast. die young. be free and have fun. i believe in the country america used to be. i believe in the person i want to become. i believe in the freedom of the open road. as my motto-  believe in the kindness of the strangers and when i’m at war with myself i ride, just ride.

who are you? are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies? have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them? i have. i am fucking crazy. but i am free.”  -Lana Del Rey, Ride.