what happens when you are angry? what happens when you make someone feel so small that they wouldn’t want to live anymore? what if these people you ‘hate’ so much can’t die anyway but can’t live either? these people you hate and throw yourself on are people. they are people like yourself with difficult lives and remain angry and hated upon. they are as broken and torn, as low and cold and as alone and little as you are. they are equally significant too.
i cannot and will not be able to fathom why you act like you do. you people who hate so deeply, i don’t know what it is you want and how you live doing what you do because these things break people, your attitude towards their little things within their little insignificant existence, it breaks them. it breaks them how it broke you when you were last at your lowest. how do you get yourself to be to someone what broke you to see and experience? i don’t understand you, you miserable but confident, rough but significant, stupid but commendable, survivor but dead of a soul.
imagine our self worth then. imagine the dept of our scars and pain. imagine the battles we fight together and see how difficult you make things. cruel, miserable little, you; your prayers are failing as days pass and the significance of you breathing is lesser recognised but you want to stand over the weaker of your kind because “God is omnipresent” and you think He won’t mind because what He put you through was worse, so, you tell yourself stories as ridiculous and pity yourself limitless burying others around you alive; because your self worth’s more significant? no. it is because you selfish little thing can’t believe you could ever deserve lesser than what you’ve already received and you will be glorifying that for the rest of the time you’re going to be living.
i mind that, it has made me crazier ever since i learnt to comprehend you and myself; and i’m suffocating in this superficial reality you’ve built for me. i’m suffocating because i’m forced to break and deviate and slash and burn everything in my little ways and it only hurts more. it hurts because i know every second of my time doing what you expect me to do is not me but i can’t be myself because you will bulldoze me till i’m not breakable anymore. you’ll nod and crease your face and deny but you know who you are and all reasons why you could be a better person but you weren’t and aren’t.
so, why aren’t you? don’t you know it hurts? can’t you understand the same things you try to tell that significant other in your life? can’t you just excuse what’s happened and not further the cycle of your miserable dilemmas? i wish you could because people like me would not fight to smile everyday, people like me who love the sky, the waves, the birds and plants and huge trees that sway, the candles and floating lights and the wind with its perspective fragrance, the twilight and the dawn and dogs with wonder for world and all other things; i fight myself to look for beauty and reasons to live and for simple goals like these you make me pay my peace as price. i cannot let you have more of my peace because losing it will drive me to become you, you hated and hateful little; and i only want to love these precious gifts of my universe, the wonders of my beautiful Earth, i only wish to sit by a tree and talk about my greatest experiences with love, it only takes me a while to simmer myself in this nostalgia of my innate being and you are waking me up so quickly.
it is beautiful what i see and you should see too, stop the fuss and faff of rubbish and embrace what you look through. the crows at dawn make me smile even around the sound of horns in distance, the chill in winter nights that clench bones and generate the slow but sweet warmth, the sip of water that fills your brain with freshness and light, the push-ups that reach your goals, the smell of flowers and food and the compassion in a stranger’s smile and the warmth of your passionate self; respect your self worth, it is what drives us all, it sounds so generic , oh, but how we’ve forgotten it all. such self worth.
PS: Red Wine by UB40 is my only savior tonight.