REALIST.

i am in love with the solitude i’m left with.

it never leaves me be.

with every passing day i wonder more,

what really becomes of love.

how selfish is one’s need for love,

how cunning can kindness be,

in love is the sky with the soil beneath it,

how ironic that they never meet.

so time will pass as so will i,

with love for an excuse to end or survive,

how typical whether i agree or deny,

love is always the realest thing.

Lousy Revelations.

Lately, life has been so fierce and exciting that I forget how change could be a good thing; I’ve been crying, laughing, excited and exiting, rotten and fresh, all in the shortest breaks and intervals. This is because there’s good and bad in life (duh), but both with such solid intensities that I do not miss Disneyland rides anymore. (stupid joke, I know)

We all have these periods in life where we have to make decisions that will lead us to our near future existence; this alone is so overwhelming for a person like me with depression and now anxiety, I’d rather just fool myself into another two-hour movie or additional fifteen videos of Zoella and ThacherJoe than plan my life out. It’s a burden for us all to carry because a little piece of paper, money, was and is given more importance than your little moments of sanity.

So, I sit with my laptop for three-forth of my day procrastinating and distracting myself from the reality I will eventually have to face because well, my future will be decided by my present and therefore, it better be good and also because suicide isn’t the answer (and it is also most unfortunate).

Three weeks (excluding the lazy one year of sloppy college life) of utterly forceful oblivious procrastination, a few ideas popped into my distracted head and I started seeing possibilities I wouldn’t dare consider in a busy schedule; some of these ideas are almost impossible with my current surprising anxiety (never experienced this kind before, so it’s all new) and some ideas will take multiple meetings with my scared-self to sink in. However, I’ve dreamed it all by myself and I have finally dared, this is what makes me happy. It isn’t necessary to put plans in action as soon as you have an idea, what matters is the dare-to-dream attitude one can keep when things seem upside-down. I cannot believe how I’ve dared to dream things that my younger self wouldn’t.

dd

Maybe it is all due to the courage to look for encouragement when the pessimist mind cannot think happy things, maybe it’s by being healthier and controlling your intoxication at all levels, maybe it’s the beauty that you finally learn to appreciate in the simple things, maybe it’s just family and friends or maybe it’s just a lousy, passing thought; it still however, narrows down to a different perspective, maybe that’s all we need.

I’ve had to change my perspectives a multiple times before I gathered my hypothesis around the true self and filtered them all to suit my core personality, this not only brought about more perspectives but also helped me calm and simplify things that truly mattered from things that really didn’t, this not only made me more Me but also encouraged humour and excitement in my monotony; I’m grateful for the oblivious mess that I can be (most of the time), it’s beautiful to own what I already do, it’s comforting to have clarity, it’s all just those perfect little mistakes.

 

Song Of The Day: The Real Slim Shady by Eminem.

Self Worth.

what happens when you are angry? what happens when you make someone feel so small that they wouldn’t want to live anymore? what if these people you ‘hate’ so much can’t die anyway but can’t live either? these people you hate and throw yourself on are people. they are people like yourself with difficult lives and  remain angry and hated upon. they are as broken and torn, as low and cold and as alone and little as you are. they are equally significant too.

i cannot and will not be able to fathom why you act like you do. you people who hate so deeply, i don’t know what it is you want and how you live doing what you do because these things break people, your attitude towards their little things within their little insignificant existence, it breaks them. it breaks them how it broke you when you were last at your lowest. how do you get yourself to be to someone what broke you to see and experience? i don’t understand you, you miserable but confident, rough but significant, stupid but commendable, survivor but dead of a soul.

imagine our self worth then. imagine the dept of our scars and pain. imagine the battles we fight together and see how difficult you make things. cruel, miserable little, you; your prayers are failing as days pass and the significance of you breathing is lesser recognised but you want to stand over the weaker of your kind because “God is omnipresent” and you think He won’t mind because what He put you through was worse, so, you tell yourself stories as ridiculous and pity yourself limitless  burying others around you alive; because your self worth’s more significant? no. it is because you selfish little thing can’t believe you could ever deserve lesser than what you’ve already received and you will be glorifying that for the rest of the time you’re going to be living.

i mind that, it has made me crazier ever since i learnt to comprehend you and myself; and i’m suffocating in this superficial reality you’ve built for me. i’m suffocating because i’m forced to break and deviate and slash and burn everything in my little ways and it only hurts more. it hurts because i know every second of my time doing what you expect me to do is not me but i can’t be myself because you will bulldoze me till i’m not breakable anymore. you’ll nod and crease your face and deny but you know who you are and all reasons why you could be a better person but you weren’t and aren’t.

so, why aren’t you? don’t you know it hurts? can’t you understand the same things you try to tell that significant other in your life? can’t you just excuse what’s happened and not further the cycle of your miserable dilemmas? i wish you could because people like me would not fight to smile everyday, people like me who love the sky, the waves, the birds and plants and huge trees that sway, the candles and floating lights and the wind with its perspective fragrance, the twilight and the dawn and dogs with wonder for world and all other things; i fight myself to look for beauty and reasons to live and for simple goals like these you make me pay my peace as price. i cannot let you have more of my peace because losing it will drive me to become you, you hated and hateful little; and i only want to love these precious gifts of my universe, the wonders of my beautiful Earth, i only wish to sit by a tree and talk about my greatest experiences with love, it only takes me a while to simmer myself in this nostalgia of my innate being and you are waking me up so quickly.

it is beautiful what i see and you should see too, stop the fuss and faff of rubbish and embrace what you look through. the crows at dawn make me smile even around the sound of horns in distance, the chill in winter nights that clench bones and generate the slow but sweet warmth, the sip of water that fills your brain with freshness and light, the push-ups that reach your goals, the smell of flowers and food and the compassion in a stranger’s smile and the warmth of your passionate self; respect your self worth, it is what drives us all, it sounds so generic , oh, but how we’ve forgotten it all. such self worth.

PS: Red Wine by UB40 is my only savior tonight.

Love.